#4 Things you can do to promote the recession! From Hope to Gloom Edition

It’s been awhile since I’ve last posted. Combination of starting a new job and new spring semester has greatly reduced my free time. But I am back on track now and will frequently update with new posts and keep this recession on a steady death spiral. We went from the spectacular inauguration day of President Barrack Obama. Withdraw of Tom Daschle as the secretary of Health and Human Services, Judd Gregg as the commerce secretary, and Nancy Killefer as the chief White House performance officer. So the brief honeymoon period is over for the new administration. Yes we know the administration inherited two ongoing wars, free fall of the global economy, and a deficit the size of Christian Bale’s roid rage over the amateur. (Okay no more Christian Bale blowup jokes… at least for the remainder of this post) So here are some advices to keep the recession moving along: the rise and fall of hope.

1. Recent news of U.S trade deficit is the lowest levels since 2004. This news sent oil prices tumbling to below 40$ a barrel in the New York exchange. So for those who were stocking up drums of oil in their basemen, I think it is time to let it go and cut your losses. Unless you have a fetish for gasoline fumes. But for those who are looking for investment options and do not want to bare the risk through banks, stocks, t-bills, horse track, or sock drawer. Invest in oil, because I do not enjoy the fumes coming from my basements.

2. Back to the trade deficit, now is a really good time to purchase goods made exclusively in the U.S.A. The politicians on television said you should, because it protects American jobs and the need for protectionism is necessary during a recession. You might feel a little bit better about yourself, but buyer’s remorse will remain, because you overpaid for those tube socks.

3. Speaking of retail, the sales number for retailer around the world is abysmal. So go to your favorite retail store or your local mall and just walking around the store. DON’T BUY ANYTHING even if the sales are irresistible. You can even make an exercise routine out of this. The elderly do this all the time and they have experienced recessions in their hay day.

4. Help those whom do not need help during a recession. So you might have heard of companies that are recession proof. So go out and buy your fast food, cartons of cigarettes, a twelve pack of beer, a box of chocolates for your loved ones, Denny’s grand slam breakfast, religion, and a new cell phone ever year. Because those are really the only luxuries we have left to experience during a recession.

Adversaries of the Recession Movement part 3

2 Birds, 1 Plane


So instead of writing about the impending 850 Billion Dollar Obama Economic Rescue Package (that is really long title) and the Madoff Scandal (Both will be posted by next week), I am going to write about the classic paradigm of “Man versus Nature”. So if you are a cable news junkie and had a recent lobotomy to remove the part of your cortex correlate with short term memory, then a US Airways plane crashing into the Hudson River is news worthy to you. I am not denying that this isn’t news worthy, but that is up to your interpretation of news worthy is. The cause of this crash was a midair collision of object x (Flock of Geese) and object y (Airplane engine). So Alfred Hitchcock was correct, birds are still a threat to humankind! These birds are targeting white middle class US citizens with no remorse towards the Geneva accords. So to reshape the hierarchy of terror on the airways it goes:

Birds>Terrorist>Box Cutters>Liquids>Flight Delays>CIP Device>Crying Babies>In-flight Movies.

So what should we do about the imminent threat of extreme Fundamentalist Canadian Geese to the airways? Should we raise National Threat Levels to vermilion after just a few geese took down a passenger jet in NYC with nothing more than feathers and flesh? An estimates of bird collision cost the airline industry nearly $390 million per year and 470,000 hours of downtime. The new Obama Administration must open all channels of communication with all the birds that threaten American way of life. From pigeons targeting cars and peoples shoulder to bio terror agents of poultry carrying “Bird Flu.” We must also acknowledge the cause of the bird threat; human activities have drastically reshaped the boundaries of human development and nature. A means to reconcile the differences between birds and humans must be the top priority in the new Administration.

Adversaries of the Recession Movement part 2

Rob Blagojevich


When we think of government corruption we have a new sheriff in town, Governor of Illinois, Rob Blagojevich was charged with selling the nomination for the javascript:void(0)senate seat vacated by Barrack Obama. The indictment included federal bribery and conspiracy charges.

“The tapes reveal that Governor Blagojevich wanted a number of things in exchange for making the appointment to the Senate seat -- an appointment as Secretary of Health and Human Services or an ambassadorship, an appointment to a private foundation, a higher paying job for his wife, or campaign contributions. At one point he proposed a three-way deal: That a cushy union job would be given to him at a higher rate of pay where he could make money. In exchange, he thought that the union might get benefits from the president-elect and therefore the president-elect might get the candidate of his choice.”

How does this relate to the pro recession movement? Blagojevich should have gone for the recession burger rather than the prosperity Kobe beef filet mignon steak. Blagojevich asked for too much too much in return during these so called “Economic crisis.” Couldn’t he ask for something mundane like admin to the EPA or director of drug control and policies? Or a discount rate on campaign contributions during the recession. If you are willing to take a bribe, during a recession maybe start with a lowball offer. Even better thought, Blagojevich could have put up the nomination for the senate seat up on Craigslist. Atleast then let the free market decide on the price.


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#3 Things you can do to promote the recession! New Year’s Resolution Edition.

Ah New Years, a time to reflect on our hopes, dreams, and goal for the renewal changing of the calendar. This tradition started with the Romans during the 2nd century. The most common New Year’s resolutions are to spend more time with family, lose weight, quit smoking, get out of debt, and learn something new. This post is about New Year’s resolution to promote the economic recession for 2009 and keeping up those resolutions made.

1. Spend more time with the family: This is the most common resolution and indeed spending more time with your family is wonderful. Instead of buying goods that yield diminishing returns such as drugs, liquor, wooden planks, shoes, and etc. Spending time with your family is a cheap source of entertainment. Hours of entertainment can be spent on arguing why your parents didn’t go to your sports events/piano recital or why mommy doesn’t love daddy anymore, or why do I have two dads.

2. Losing Weight: Don’t join a gym; they are a huge waste of time and money. Rather jog around your neighborhood and count the number of foreclosed homes. If you can’t find any, ask your local Realtor if they still have a job.

3. Quit Smoking: Yeah I know how tough quitting smoking can be. Cigarettes, alcohol, and chocolate are recession proof as their growth increased during 2008. My advice would be shifting your addiction elsewhere more productive. Like compulsive shoplifting, street side pandering, pick a fight with someone weaker than you, or be in a coma.

4. Get out of debt: Getting into personal debt is American! Why buy later when you can buy a now? Savings are for the Chinese and people that don’t like fun.

5. Try something new: That is really simple during the recession. You would have plenty of free time when you don’t have a job. When you do find a job, you will have to deliver new lines like “Welcome to ___________! May I take your order?”

The rise and fall of 2008: A short review

So I am back from holiday and a bit late posting this review of 2008. I wrote this blog while I was on vacation, but forgot to post it. 2008 was like any year, it has seen its shares of highs and lows. To use a movie analogy we experienced an unprecedented presidential election which made Godfather II looks like jealous school girl. Terrorism is still a threat just like a M. Night Shyamalan films. (Overacting, lack of character development, predictable twists) Global economic recession originated in U.S. like those inflected monkeys in Outbreak, or any zombie outbreak. (Yes I’ve already referenced zombies and pirates in less than two weeks of blogging) Some argue that the recession started with the credit crunch, or public hysteria, or investment banking lack of prudence dealing with high risk investments, or just plain greed, or a combination of these factors. To alleviate the downfall, government economical assistance or bailouts was as predictable as any Harrison Ford film. First plan was direct infusion of liquidity into banks to spur lending between banks and business. When that didn’t work under the umbrella of Too Big to Fall (TBTF) motto, the public bought common stocks in investment banks. (AIG, Bear Sterns, Freddie and Fannie) Additional loans or line of credit was given out to “The Big Three” automotive industry, because they were TBTF. Now we have a Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) which figuratively is a tarp with 700 billion plus dollars on top with it when trying to keep the public dry beneath it. So what is there to look forward to in 2009? Yes we are still in a recession. Consumer confidence is on a all time low. Holiday sale have hit the lowest in recorded history. Home prices have dropped an additional 26% from last year. Threats of deflation still loom about. But hey at least American Idol is only a month away and we can truly toast to that. Have a great 2009 everybody!

#2 Things you can do to promote the recession! Wintery Wonderland Edition

Winter in Minnesota is a cluster f*ck of grind house blizzard, jarring cold, icy roads, and piercing winds. After a weekend of this wintery cacophony and many hours stuck watching commemorative Obama election dinner plates infomercials, my mind, body and soul is filled with wintery wonder and enthusiasm. So here are some more tips you can do to prolong the recession: Winter wonderland edition.

1. If there is a foot of snow outside…. Just stay home. Don’t drive to anywhere, because people have their Parahippocampal gyrus (a part of their brain that deals with long term memory) removed when associating car and snow together.

2. So what can you do in your home while wintery apocalypse? (For those who still have a home) Well sleeping and breathing is free. For those who can’t afford heat during these times, start burning household items. Starting with paper first such as old newspaper (while they still exist…Tribute), Christmas cards, and old family photos, then plastics, and finally old electronics.

3. Something else you can do while indoors is count money you hid from the first tip!

4. Refinance your house again…. What’s the worst it could happen again? You can finally buy that snow machine that you’ve always wanted.

5. Don't go to work.... It's dangerous outside (relates with reason #1). Also there are more wintery threats like: polar bears, stray penguin fundamentalist, socialist abominable snowman, and capitalist green grinch that stole bailouts.

Stop the Recession Propaganda Machine

Awaken to see the lies and half truths about spending and easy credit from China. You should take your money and invest in gold or stamps or baseball cards. You can't spend your way out of the good times. But you will get those shoes or latte maker you've always wanted. So go to the malls and don't buy anything, because the next sale is just around the corner. Stagflation is a beautiful thing for a consumer, it keeps the prices low and you can buy more lattes from Starbucks. Unless you’ve already own a latte machine.

Adversaries of the Recession Movement part 1

The New York Yankees

Last week, the New York Yankees signed two free agent pitchers, CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett to a combined 243.5 million dollars. WTF… those two players earn more money than the GDP Tonga, São Tomé and Príncipe, Palau, and Marshall Islands. Yes I could do a bad Miss South Carolina reference in there about geography, but I am taking the moral high ground today. But what more can we expect from the Yankees, they are like the school ground bully with rich inheritances that buys his friendship. Well to think of it the last few years they were the winy kid that doesn’t get picked first in kick ball. To give the Yanks credit, you are the highest gross earnings team in baseball last year, while putting out a a sub 500 season. Back to the point, good for you Yankees to spend your way out of the recession and that’s why you’re an adversary against the movement for this week!

#1 Things you can do to promote the recession!

I am going to lay out some tips for average Americans can do to prolong the recession.

How safe is your money? It is almost impossible to get a loan and failure of the banking system.

Keep the money in a sock drawer. If you have don't own a sock drawer, then stash it under a mattress or preferably an old coffee tin can. If you reside a home (if you still own a home) with a back yard, bury your dollars under a tree or a swing set and mark it. Afterward make a treasure map for keepsakes or to attract pirates. The main point is keeping your dollars to yourself. So to outline the steps you can do to store your money.

1. Keep your money in a sock drawer, or any cabinet. A cool dark place will do.

2. Old Coffee can. Preferable a Folgers can, because it smells great. Warning! Do not leave your money in a cookie jar. Kids will find the money and spend it on junk bonds or hedge funds.

3. Buried in your backyard. Remember about the treasure map. Watch out for pirates.

4. If you can't bury your money, then hide in a cave. Bats and bears make great financial managers.

5. Stocks in GM....

Are we still in a Recession?

YES! According to The National Bureau of Economic Research, the US economy have been in a recession since last December. Their mains findings conclude that we have yet to for the lack of the a better term, hit "Rock-Bottom."