#4 Things you can do to promote the recession! From Hope to Gloom Edition

It’s been awhile since I’ve last posted. Combination of starting a new job and new spring semester has greatly reduced my free time. But I am back on track now and will frequently update with new posts and keep this recession on a steady death spiral. We went from the spectacular inauguration day of President Barrack Obama. Withdraw of Tom Daschle as the secretary of Health and Human Services, Judd Gregg as the commerce secretary, and Nancy Killefer as the chief White House performance officer. So the brief honeymoon period is over for the new administration. Yes we know the administration inherited two ongoing wars, free fall of the global economy, and a deficit the size of Christian Bale’s roid rage over the amateur. (Okay no more Christian Bale blowup jokes… at least for the remainder of this post) So here are some advices to keep the recession moving along: the rise and fall of hope.

1. Recent news of U.S trade deficit is the lowest levels since 2004. This news sent oil prices tumbling to below 40$ a barrel in the New York exchange. So for those who were stocking up drums of oil in their basemen, I think it is time to let it go and cut your losses. Unless you have a fetish for gasoline fumes. But for those who are looking for investment options and do not want to bare the risk through banks, stocks, t-bills, horse track, or sock drawer. Invest in oil, because I do not enjoy the fumes coming from my basements.

2. Back to the trade deficit, now is a really good time to purchase goods made exclusively in the U.S.A. The politicians on television said you should, because it protects American jobs and the need for protectionism is necessary during a recession. You might feel a little bit better about yourself, but buyer’s remorse will remain, because you overpaid for those tube socks.

3. Speaking of retail, the sales number for retailer around the world is abysmal. So go to your favorite retail store or your local mall and just walking around the store. DON’T BUY ANYTHING even if the sales are irresistible. You can even make an exercise routine out of this. The elderly do this all the time and they have experienced recessions in their hay day.

4. Help those whom do not need help during a recession. So you might have heard of companies that are recession proof. So go out and buy your fast food, cartons of cigarettes, a twelve pack of beer, a box of chocolates for your loved ones, Denny’s grand slam breakfast, religion, and a new cell phone ever year. Because those are really the only luxuries we have left to experience during a recession.

Adversaries of the Recession Movement part 3

2 Birds, 1 Plane


So instead of writing about the impending 850 Billion Dollar Obama Economic Rescue Package (that is really long title) and the Madoff Scandal (Both will be posted by next week), I am going to write about the classic paradigm of “Man versus Nature”. So if you are a cable news junkie and had a recent lobotomy to remove the part of your cortex correlate with short term memory, then a US Airways plane crashing into the Hudson River is news worthy to you. I am not denying that this isn’t news worthy, but that is up to your interpretation of news worthy is. The cause of this crash was a midair collision of object x (Flock of Geese) and object y (Airplane engine). So Alfred Hitchcock was correct, birds are still a threat to humankind! These birds are targeting white middle class US citizens with no remorse towards the Geneva accords. So to reshape the hierarchy of terror on the airways it goes:

Birds>Terrorist>Box Cutters>Liquids>Flight Delays>CIP Device>Crying Babies>In-flight Movies.

So what should we do about the imminent threat of extreme Fundamentalist Canadian Geese to the airways? Should we raise National Threat Levels to vermilion after just a few geese took down a passenger jet in NYC with nothing more than feathers and flesh? An estimates of bird collision cost the airline industry nearly $390 million per year and 470,000 hours of downtime. The new Obama Administration must open all channels of communication with all the birds that threaten American way of life. From pigeons targeting cars and peoples shoulder to bio terror agents of poultry carrying “Bird Flu.” We must also acknowledge the cause of the bird threat; human activities have drastically reshaped the boundaries of human development and nature. A means to reconcile the differences between birds and humans must be the top priority in the new Administration.

Adversaries of the Recession Movement part 2

Rob Blagojevich


When we think of government corruption we have a new sheriff in town, Governor of Illinois, Rob Blagojevich was charged with selling the nomination for the javascript:void(0)senate seat vacated by Barrack Obama. The indictment included federal bribery and conspiracy charges.

“The tapes reveal that Governor Blagojevich wanted a number of things in exchange for making the appointment to the Senate seat -- an appointment as Secretary of Health and Human Services or an ambassadorship, an appointment to a private foundation, a higher paying job for his wife, or campaign contributions. At one point he proposed a three-way deal: That a cushy union job would be given to him at a higher rate of pay where he could make money. In exchange, he thought that the union might get benefits from the president-elect and therefore the president-elect might get the candidate of his choice.”

How does this relate to the pro recession movement? Blagojevich should have gone for the recession burger rather than the prosperity Kobe beef filet mignon steak. Blagojevich asked for too much too much in return during these so called “Economic crisis.” Couldn’t he ask for something mundane like admin to the EPA or director of drug control and policies? Or a discount rate on campaign contributions during the recession. If you are willing to take a bribe, during a recession maybe start with a lowball offer. Even better thought, Blagojevich could have put up the nomination for the senate seat up on Craigslist. Atleast then let the free market decide on the price.


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#3 Things you can do to promote the recession! New Year’s Resolution Edition.

Ah New Years, a time to reflect on our hopes, dreams, and goal for the renewal changing of the calendar. This tradition started with the Romans during the 2nd century. The most common New Year’s resolutions are to spend more time with family, lose weight, quit smoking, get out of debt, and learn something new. This post is about New Year’s resolution to promote the economic recession for 2009 and keeping up those resolutions made.

1. Spend more time with the family: This is the most common resolution and indeed spending more time with your family is wonderful. Instead of buying goods that yield diminishing returns such as drugs, liquor, wooden planks, shoes, and etc. Spending time with your family is a cheap source of entertainment. Hours of entertainment can be spent on arguing why your parents didn’t go to your sports events/piano recital or why mommy doesn’t love daddy anymore, or why do I have two dads.

2. Losing Weight: Don’t join a gym; they are a huge waste of time and money. Rather jog around your neighborhood and count the number of foreclosed homes. If you can’t find any, ask your local Realtor if they still have a job.

3. Quit Smoking: Yeah I know how tough quitting smoking can be. Cigarettes, alcohol, and chocolate are recession proof as their growth increased during 2008. My advice would be shifting your addiction elsewhere more productive. Like compulsive shoplifting, street side pandering, pick a fight with someone weaker than you, or be in a coma.

4. Get out of debt: Getting into personal debt is American! Why buy later when you can buy a now? Savings are for the Chinese and people that don’t like fun.

5. Try something new: That is really simple during the recession. You would have plenty of free time when you don’t have a job. When you do find a job, you will have to deliver new lines like “Welcome to ___________! May I take your order?”

The rise and fall of 2008: A short review

So I am back from holiday and a bit late posting this review of 2008. I wrote this blog while I was on vacation, but forgot to post it. 2008 was like any year, it has seen its shares of highs and lows. To use a movie analogy we experienced an unprecedented presidential election which made Godfather II looks like jealous school girl. Terrorism is still a threat just like a M. Night Shyamalan films. (Overacting, lack of character development, predictable twists) Global economic recession originated in U.S. like those inflected monkeys in Outbreak, or any zombie outbreak. (Yes I’ve already referenced zombies and pirates in less than two weeks of blogging) Some argue that the recession started with the credit crunch, or public hysteria, or investment banking lack of prudence dealing with high risk investments, or just plain greed, or a combination of these factors. To alleviate the downfall, government economical assistance or bailouts was as predictable as any Harrison Ford film. First plan was direct infusion of liquidity into banks to spur lending between banks and business. When that didn’t work under the umbrella of Too Big to Fall (TBTF) motto, the public bought common stocks in investment banks. (AIG, Bear Sterns, Freddie and Fannie) Additional loans or line of credit was given out to “The Big Three” automotive industry, because they were TBTF. Now we have a Troubled Assets Relief Program (TARP) which figuratively is a tarp with 700 billion plus dollars on top with it when trying to keep the public dry beneath it. So what is there to look forward to in 2009? Yes we are still in a recession. Consumer confidence is on a all time low. Holiday sale have hit the lowest in recorded history. Home prices have dropped an additional 26% from last year. Threats of deflation still loom about. But hey at least American Idol is only a month away and we can truly toast to that. Have a great 2009 everybody!