#2 Things you can do to promote the recession! Wintery Wonderland Edition

Winter in Minnesota is a cluster f*ck of grind house blizzard, jarring cold, icy roads, and piercing winds. After a weekend of this wintery cacophony and many hours stuck watching commemorative Obama election dinner plates infomercials, my mind, body and soul is filled with wintery wonder and enthusiasm. So here are some more tips you can do to prolong the recession: Winter wonderland edition.

1. If there is a foot of snow outside…. Just stay home. Don’t drive to anywhere, because people have their Parahippocampal gyrus (a part of their brain that deals with long term memory) removed when associating car and snow together.

2. So what can you do in your home while wintery apocalypse? (For those who still have a home) Well sleeping and breathing is free. For those who can’t afford heat during these times, start burning household items. Starting with paper first such as old newspaper (while they still exist…Tribute), Christmas cards, and old family photos, then plastics, and finally old electronics.

3. Something else you can do while indoors is count money you hid from the first tip!

4. Refinance your house again…. What’s the worst it could happen again? You can finally buy that snow machine that you’ve always wanted.

5. Don't go to work.... It's dangerous outside (relates with reason #1). Also there are more wintery threats like: polar bears, stray penguin fundamentalist, socialist abominable snowman, and capitalist green grinch that stole bailouts.

Stop the Recession Propaganda Machine

Awaken to see the lies and half truths about spending and easy credit from China. You should take your money and invest in gold or stamps or baseball cards. You can't spend your way out of the good times. But you will get those shoes or latte maker you've always wanted. So go to the malls and don't buy anything, because the next sale is just around the corner. Stagflation is a beautiful thing for a consumer, it keeps the prices low and you can buy more lattes from Starbucks. Unless you’ve already own a latte machine.

Adversaries of the Recession Movement part 1

The New York Yankees

Last week, the New York Yankees signed two free agent pitchers, CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett to a combined 243.5 million dollars. WTF… those two players earn more money than the GDP Tonga, São Tomé and Príncipe, Palau, and Marshall Islands. Yes I could do a bad Miss South Carolina reference in there about geography, but I am taking the moral high ground today. But what more can we expect from the Yankees, they are like the school ground bully with rich inheritances that buys his friendship. Well to think of it the last few years they were the winy kid that doesn’t get picked first in kick ball. To give the Yanks credit, you are the highest gross earnings team in baseball last year, while putting out a a sub 500 season. Back to the point, good for you Yankees to spend your way out of the recession and that’s why you’re an adversary against the movement for this week!

#1 Things you can do to promote the recession!

I am going to lay out some tips for average Americans can do to prolong the recession.

How safe is your money? It is almost impossible to get a loan and failure of the banking system.

Keep the money in a sock drawer. If you have don't own a sock drawer, then stash it under a mattress or preferably an old coffee tin can. If you reside a home (if you still own a home) with a back yard, bury your dollars under a tree or a swing set and mark it. Afterward make a treasure map for keepsakes or to attract pirates. The main point is keeping your dollars to yourself. So to outline the steps you can do to store your money.

1. Keep your money in a sock drawer, or any cabinet. A cool dark place will do.

2. Old Coffee can. Preferable a Folgers can, because it smells great. Warning! Do not leave your money in a cookie jar. Kids will find the money and spend it on junk bonds or hedge funds.

3. Buried in your backyard. Remember about the treasure map. Watch out for pirates.

4. If you can't bury your money, then hide in a cave. Bats and bears make great financial managers.

5. Stocks in GM....

Are we still in a Recession?

YES! According to The National Bureau of Economic Research, the US economy have been in a recession since last December. Their mains findings conclude that we have yet to for the lack of the a better term, hit "Rock-Bottom."